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Will Arnett

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[21 Sep 2004|01:06am]
Sometimes being Arrested pays off.

I'm still on that high from winning. Suck it up, bitches.
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[16 Sep 2004|11:29pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Since I went out and spent thousands of dollars on wifey related paraphernalia, I figured that it would be pretty cool to share all the things I went out and bought for the slavedriver that keeps me in line.

mmm SpoilageCollapse )

Oh...and Will and Grace next week. Be there or you miss my random flailing motions.

Happy Birthday Cool Cat Aimster.

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[07 Sep 2004|01:06pm]
Jason Bateman is one sick fuck.
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Note to Amy: Steal the silver chip! [06 Aug 2004|02:05am]
[ mood | amused ]

As everyone obviously knows, Amy was on Celebrity Poker with Seth last night and sadly she lost...but, she stayed in longer than Gail and that Hank Azaria. Was I there? Oh yes, I was there. Ok, so it wasn't so much to support my lady as it was to heckle Dave Foley, my Canadian bro but we can pretend that I'm the cliche good husband...can't we? Please?

At any rate, there are reasons why we have a two bedroom condo. I just finished watching Poker for the third time tonight, it's just what us scraggly bearded people do.

Maybe I'll get better by watching or maybe I should just have Seth show me some tricks so I don't keep losing my clothes through poker. Then again, Strip Hide and Go Seek has its moments.

If you'll excuse me, it is that time of night when I can either be stealing scooters from the kids down the street or I can go to bed.

If I call you for bail, you'll figure out my ruse.

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[02 Jul 2004|02:06pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

Hmm...updates are nice but I'm not. I just happen to be a tease so metaphors are what you get.

The last few weeks have been kind of strange, I guess the appeal of Botox really melted my gentle Canadian psyche. Thanks for the warning, Phil Zimbardo! You dirty Christopher Walken look-alike you! Anyway, I'm at home in New York for the time being, enjoying Amy's Elton John impression...although I will say that Elton looks a little better in the pants, the Aimster looks that much better smashing the property of Ron Howard, it just works out that way. Sorry Elton!

Again, this update was inspired by a Botox related coma.

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Weddings, Theft, and Big Butt Actress-Singers [29 May 2004|03:27am]
[ mood | amused ]

Wedding. It's a funny word but it's a beautiful institution. Sure, a few thousand couples get married every day and they give it the old college try. Sad to say, 60% of them don't make it but if I have ever been sure of one absolutely perfect couple, Seth and Jimmy are definately the marriage that was made at 30 Rockafeller, studio 8H during a series of flawless Saturday Nights. The wedding was just incredible to say the least, even the little gangsta was cryin'. I didn't say that, she might have me capped but I was certainly moved to tears when I saw the looks in their eyes when the proclamation came out. It made me think about how wild and crazy our wedding really was, with drunken Patriots fans yelling that they wanted cake and then my French speaking kinfolk asking to hear the Electric Slide. It's funny to say this but looking at Jimmy and Seth, I see Amy and I nine months ago as we hit the newlywed game.

In other news, all the bank robberies in the state of New York can be traced back to two sources, take your guesses. That's right Opie and Lorne. NYPD, I give you your bank robbers. Please arrest and lock them away as you see fit. While they were out robbing banks, Dopey and Sleepy have been sitting quietly in their apartment, watching old re-runs of Good Times. Let me just say that I, Will Arnett, am much more "DYNOMITE" than J.J. That is all I will say on that topic.

Third and most interestingly of all, I just recently finished shooting Monster In Law with the incredibly bootylicious Jennifer Lopez. What happened? I refuse to say, maybe she burned me with coffee like a lowly Production Bitch or maybe I stole her pink hot pants to make Amy a hat. All I'll reveal is that I am really getting addicted to theft. Someone should probably commit me but then pie and sex would stop so the whole world would be affected by Amy's need to whore it up 900%. I had a flow chart but I lost it on the way home from Kinko's. Oh well, what can you do?

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The Simple Things... [26 Apr 2004|06:13pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Now that the season finale of Arrested has been aired, I can finally get up off this couch and return to the world as a productive member of society. That statement is really funny when I look back on it. Amy married the least productive human being in the world but that's what happens when you meet at a Rite Aid in New Haven, Connecticut. I am truly and honestly working on real projects while we wait to see if Arrested Development comes back for season two, all signs are pointing to yes but Fox likes to keep me waiting. Afterall, I didn't have a dressing room until the first episode that Amy appeared on. That could be because Canadians are expendable, because Ron thought I would steal it or most likely, because no one wanted me having sex in their dressing room. At any rate, I still won the round.

In other interesting news, I have decided to follow Tina's shining example and I am shopping my screenplay around. This is hardly a hoax. I have been finishing this script for the last few weeks and certain people like to call me lazy. (evil laugh) It's sort of like Sex Lies and Videotape, only not. It is currently being called The Gandhi Campaign: An Exercise in Revolution. I have a feeling I'll be running around with a camera, shooting random folks and editing them together in Michael Moore fashion, just to make myself look good. Nothing out of the ordinary, I call it Tuesday afternoon. Aside from that, I plan on disturbing Amy as she works at 30 Rockafeller. I can only hope that she pulls out Avril this week because she looks so hot as my favorite Canadian niece punk rock chick.

Now that I have explained my hiding, I feel like I should do some extreme pimping for the little woman. Envy comes out Friday and I assure you that it will not be the Gigli of 2004. Besides, Amy--it's a Stiller/Black film. You aren't on the posters so you aren't J.Lo. Now we have to figure out which one of them is more Latin: Ben or Jack. My bets are on Jack but we can fight this out later.

I don't really know what makes my life so interesting but hey--a conversation would go well here. Tell me which one I should post and I will do so.

Later.

I love you Aimster.

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Disclaimer
[31 Mar 2004|09:47pm]
[ mood | amused ]

It has come to my attention that I am the most forgetful Canadian in the area but I have a stolen palm pilot that hardly works so I deserve some slack? That Ron Howard needs to buy quality items so that Amy gets good things instead of the usual crap that I usually give her but that's beside the point. I am updating, call your sister and send over some pie, I am updating.

I know that St Patricks Day was a while ago and I should have posted about this around then but I am the laziest Canadian in the world, which, oddly enough makes me the hardest working American after Jon Bon Jovi and boy is he lazy. To put it all in perspective, Amy is my favorite co-star on the set and in our secret tapes that may or may not exist. I will not wear any of those sweaters though. The last couple of weeks have been awesome, as I have been cutting work to hang out her in NYC with the Aimster...we have been very productive as a couple.

Last weekend was spent estimating the value of all the wonderful things I stole from the Arrested set this past season, including: A big screen TV, some Kenny G LPs, a dead hooker, and my third razor scooter. I have to wonder how Ron doesn't realize that things only go missing when I'm around but it's better that Opie not know of my theft or he might cry. On second thought, that would be incredible to watch.

I don't have much more to say but the Gandhi Campaign draws closer and closer by the minute. Time for pie.

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Disclaimer
[05 Mar 2004|04:23pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

It has been a real long time since anyone has updated, anyone meaning Amy and I. We have been far too busy avoiding the truths of life with our porn and pie to change the date on the calendar, we didn't realize that two weeks have passed. We still thought it was February 19th, until I turned on CNN by mistake. We spent a lot of time being horned up and Amy's Mom kept calling but we chose to ignore the phone calls in lieu of her long tyrannical messages that I may have to transcribe at some point. Essentially, we missed the Oscars but the outcome wasn't all that surprising--except that Sofia Coppola actually won one! Congrats, lady!

Sad truth is that I have to go back to LA next week and start shooting Arrested: season two. As if the entire storyline hadn't been exploited in season one but who am I to complain? I get to steal another segway from Opie Taylor and I get paid to do the dumbass things that I do in this apartment like swallow whistles and make out with random foreign sluts (this works, Amy is an American and therefore a foreign devil to Mr. Canada). Lorne is always talking about all the foreign sluts on SNL when I'm hanging around, I'm pretty sure he means Tina but I've kept away from the building since the Valentine's Day Massacre of my dignity--as if I still had any.

Well kids, another random update makes the world go round.

I'll try to get Amy to update but she's lazier than I am, she od'd on pudding the other day so I don't see her getting up to update anytime soon.

Peace, I'm out.

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Longest Entry Ever. [09 Feb 2004|02:39am]
[ mood | amused ]

I don't know why I'm up doing this but I guess I felt guilty for not updating since last Sunday. I was being a little bitch because my team was beaten shitless by Amy's team. Question. Why do all of my teams have to suck so much? Anyone? I'd really like to know. Moving on...

So Amy and Co. did a helluva sweet show this week and I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the sketch with Seth, Amy, and Megan as the Mom. I was falling down laughing, even though I was in a chair. Long story short, I broke a chair and hid the broken chair in Fallon's dressing room. In talking about the show, there was some tongue kissing involved but I'm cool with that. Another thing I'm cool with are the weekly calls from Amy's Mom that come in on Sunday Morning. Here's a transcript.

WEEKLY CALL: 10:12AMCollapse )

On a lighter note, Valentine's day is coming up and I have a few things that I am planning but I can't say since the only person reading this journal is the one who is going to get spoiled on the aforementioned day. It might be show day on Saturday but I'll find a way to get my Aimster her gifts and show her how much I care. I feel like I don't tell her how much I love her sometimes eventhough she really does.

I love you so much, Cool Cat. I know that you know but I still have to court you for a few more months. That was the deal. I will never EVER bet on the Panthers again. *nods*

Peace. I'm out.
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Disclaimer
[31 Jan 2004|11:15pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Super Bowl Sunday arrives in less than an hour and we have already begun drinking. That is to say, we haven't stopped since last weekend. Yes, I know, Amy's beloved Patriots are going against the Panthers.

Therefore, I have to go with the Panthers because we were betting on it. I do this for two reasons: 1--Amy is really hot when she gets angry and 2--When I can't pay my bet, there is a good chance that she will beat the shit out of me, like Ike did to Tina. Only I get to be Tina. You will all know what happened by Monday either way.

I originally thought that we would be heading up to Burlington to chill with Amy's family but apparently not. Although, with all the randomness and not listening that has been going on lately, she may have told me and I just forgot or ignored it. Either way, people will be throwing things at the TV and hitting up other people for dumpster sex.

Sweet.

Psst. I use this icon for its delicious truth, it's metaphorical significance and because it was easier than trying to get Amy to pose for an icon picture. Enjoy!

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Disclaimer
[26 Jan 2004|09:06pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

We are going to be stars!

Amy and I have come up with the most incredible plan for our own personal fame. First, we are going to ebay a green gob of mold--claiming that it came out of Judd Nelson's nose. Secondly, we are going to sell a slice of pie--claiming that it was from Nixon's inauguration. Then, we are going to make a public display at next year's academy awards that we will only describe as "THE GANDHI CAMPAIGN".

It sounds like such a sweet plan. If only we can get it to work out right. Last night was a night where we were all very very drunk. But, since everyone was still talking about Bennifer, our drunkness hardly drew anyone's attention. Oh well, we can't win them all I guess. Nevermind, we always win.

Anyway, snow is so sweet but throwing it at cabbies is even sweeter.

Peace, I'm outta here.

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[18 Jan 2004|10:48pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Woke up this morning and felt fairly dizzy but then again, after an SNL party that's perfectly normal and perfectly healthy. Especially since Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were hosting, I didn't realize how similar Jessica and I really are until I sat down and talked to her at the party. Of course, I was really plastered when I talked to her but I feel like we connected. Or we would have if Amy hadn't dragged me away from her so I could kiss Lorne's preverbial ass.

But anyway, I wake up this morning and go to brush my teeth and what do I notice when I look in the mirror? That's right, a huge barbell in my tongue. How did it get there? I don't know and I don't want to ask. Oddly enough, Amy seemed pretty surprised considering the fact that she was quite likely the one behind it.

Other than a new hole or two in my body, it's been a pretty uneventful weekend. The only great this is the idea that Amy has two weeks off, starting tomorrow and that means that we can be mischievous together for the next 14 days. Sweet! But I'm too tired to be writing this.

Night all.

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THE JOYS OF UNEMPLOYMENT & FUN WITH DEFINITIONS!!!! [13 Jan 2004|09:35pm]
[ mood | silly ]

It's a Tuesday in January in New York and I have no work to be at. How sweet it is! There's something strange about riding your empty shopping cart down the isles of the local Wal-Mart early on a Tuesday morning that I used to take for granted. It's nothing like when I used to ride them in the Rite-Aid...there's a helluva lot more space to do it in and more things to knock over and refuse to pick up because you lack any English as a second language eduation, or so I like to pretend.

I retract the "no work to be at" part. I AM at SNL, sitting around helping Amy rewrite some things for this week's show. To clarify, "helping" really means that I am the one typing while she whips me for not typing fast enough and for each mistake. To be honest, I feel like the Matt Damon to her Affleck right now but it's all in fun except for all the Good Will Hunting references that are going on as we speak.

I realize that this post probably made no sense but I am a little too *loopy* at the moment as I sit in Amy's office at NBC, typing and admiring the porn that she has taped to her office walls. That Cream of Wheat guy is one sexy beast, especially for a cartoon chef with a hat! (Geez, Amy is having a negative effect on me! I keep talking about sexy hats on ugly people. Now she's smiling at my expression)

Well kids, I need to go cuddle up on the floor and take my nap. I really should cuddle up elsewhere but I always end up on the floor.

Later.


Psst----*loopy* refers to being too high on coffee, tea, or weed.

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[10 Jan 2004|06:53am]
[ mood | confused ]

Ok...so I just woke up in the most abstract of places and I still don't know why. It's really early on a Saturday and I just fell off of Amy's desk but she is nowhere to be found. I can only assume that she and Maya are playing Master and Slave. It is for that reason and that reason only that I do not dare call home and play the odds of interrupting them playing whatever sexual games they may be playing. It's all cool for me as long as they tape it and as long as they don't play Pirates or Hobos...those are my games that are played with the Amy! And if, by some strange chance, she went home and just went to sleep I would be in danger of my life should I wake her up. She will hang up, hail a cab and come all the way over here just to go Ike on my Tina for waking her up so early.

Anyway, it has been another week without an update. None of my New Year's Resolutions are working anymore...well, maybe the last one...let's look at the short list.


  1. Update journal every two or three days

  2. Stop drinking so much alcohol, try water

  3. Achieve World Peace by January 10th

  4. Make Ron Howard cry by calling him Opie on the phone and on his machine.

Uh oh. I hear Sting....means that Lorne has arrived in his office for hot man love with Jimmy. Gotta go watch.

Later.
Amy's Pirate Hobo Man Slave (She really needs to give me a cool nickname)
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[04 Jan 2004|09:29pm]
[ mood | blah ]

After putting this off for four days, I can finally update for the first time in 2004. I feel bad for Amy, as she has to return to work tomorrow and I don't have to. It's not like I have a whole lot to say but I just need to use it to Pimp out the woman that I am courting because I am apparently the only person who ever reads her journal.

If the hangover that I've just come out of is any indication, our New Year's resolution to drink less vodka and drink more water is over before it even started.

This was a short update and I apologize but I need to get back to making the wife swoon.

Adios Gringos.

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New Year's Eve Plans. [31 Dec 2003|06:32pm]
[ mood | content ]

I'm going to keep this brief and just invite anyone who wants to come hang with me.

The plan is to sit down on the couch and watch the Arrested Development marathon. Sounds pretty dull but I am such an egotistical manic that I can sit and watch myself on TV from 8-10PM.

If you're coming, BYOB/C/P/P (Bring your own booze, chair, porn, pie] because I'm not sharing...unless Amy makes me do it, which she probably will.

Happy 2004, kids!

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ONE LINER [24 Dec 2003|12:00pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS! I must return to sex and pie!

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[21 Dec 2003|09:28am]
[ mood | lazy ]

I guess it's time to update again as Mr. Black and my lady insist that I do so. I need to keep up with this thing but Amy is really having a bad influence on my update-ability but I digress.

It's been one of those weeks where doing nothing was bliss. The only constructive things that I have done involve last minute shopping, eating pie, and roughing up that Ho over at the Wal-mart. She was all alone and unprotected. She got hers, oh yeah. (Special Note: I should have included Hobo sex but that's not as constructive as it is...nevermind).

The shopping is done, the Amy is baking, and Christmas is in four days. Either way we have no idea where we are going for Xmas this year. It's a little weird to think that it's been a year since I proposed. For anyone who isn't aware, it was during our private Christmas fling last year that I drunkenly asked my blonde lady for her hand.

I agree with her on most things except for her holiday plans. Instead of going to Massachusetts or Canada, I think the best plan of action is to get everyone together here in NYC, so we can go do the "BC" thing on the 28th. I will not miss an opportunity to get drunk with the great Jack Black and his crew, of which I am included.

All the best to you and yours this holiday.

BTW: I dare Amy to find all the hidden gifts before Thursday morning. Hint--most of them are not hidden in the apartment. BOO YEAH!

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[15 Dec 2003|10:17pm]
[ mood | loved ]

See what happens after four months of marriage? Amy's lack of updating has begun to rub off on your favorite Canadian acting prodigy,

So, I've been home since Wednesday night and I have no complete plan for the next few months without "Arrested". I think the lady and I will just hang around and weep over our lack of social status. Five minutes after that, we'll be downing forties and eating Banana Cream pies!

Now might be an appropriate time to stroke the Wife's ego. The show on Saturday was nothing short of the hottest shit I've seen in a long while. My lady's got pipes, like I didn't already know that (::grins::)

Sunday was nothing to write home about but today we really started getting into the holiday spirit.

Went out and bought holiday cards, started signing them, baked a pie or two and fell asleep on the floor. Amy on the other hand had a very productive day.

Tomorrow I have to head over to Wal-Mart and take care of that old 90 year old ho who gives my Amy a bad look. She was off today, I checked.

Enjoy the veal.

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